GAZETTE
VOLUME XXXVL, NEWTOWN, CT. PRICE $1.50
FLASH FLOOD CAUSES UNDERMINING OF GROUND ON WHICH SNOWMANS CAGE WAS STANDINGDURING NIGHT
BALIGAN, NEPAL, Reuters:
Disaster greeted the sad
members of the Greater
Newtown Historical and
Anthropological Society's
Snowman hunting expedition
this morning when they
awoke to find the prize
for which they had all so
nobly and conscientiously
sought,trapped,and finally
captured had, during the
night, escaped.
It had rained most of the
night and the rain was
caught in pockets higher
up in the mountains.
Shortly before the dawn
these pockets poured downmountain
in the form
of a tremendous torrent.
The flood,in its swift,
mad downward rush,had
caused the ground upon
which the Snowman's cage
stood to wear away thence
leaving an opening on the
underside of it.
With the bottom of the
cage gone the only live
Abominable Snowman ever
in captivity made good
his escape and, it may be
assumed,set his course
right back to the high
peeks from which he had
only so recently been
taken.
The sorry part of this
tragedy is that the cage:
was barred or walled on
all sides and the top
but the bottom was left
free of bars or flooring
as it was not conceived
that such an occurrence
as has happened could, in
fact, happen.
When asked if the group
would attempt to effect
a recapture of the fleet
snowman Sir Orkney Urrd
said, in a quavering rasp
"Our bloody budget can't
permit it."
Another drawback of the
demise is that it may be
difficult for the party
to prove that they ever
had the elusive monster
at all as no one had
taken the time to make
even one photograph of
it. Cie, Cie la vie.
Once used for lighting
and soapmaking, whale oil
is now mostly converted
into margarine. World total
production of whale oil
is about 500,000 tons per
year. (Still a whale of a
business.)
The business encouragement
bureau of Nepal has
announced that Abominable
Snowman hair will bring
seven thousand tyen on
the open market.Of course
the bureau adds the market
is very low at the moment.
ALL IS NOT LOST FOR THE GNH&A SOCIETYS PATRONS SAYS VOOTIE BIGWIGS
EASTON, CONN. UPI:
The Vootie board of directors announced that those stalwart
supporters of the Greater Newtown Historical and Anthropological Society may
still realize some small benefit from this tragic loss. Speaking for the Society
the board explains that the GNH&A Society does not want on its conscience the
misery of its many and true patrons. Therefore, all the persons who have
so firmly supported the cause will in some way be rewarded for their faith and generous
contributions. It is hoped that they will receive these meager but well meant gifts
with graciousness.
RARITY OCCURS IN TIBET (UPI)
Sir Lancelot Hogben, who is the prime navigator of the ill-fated GNH&A expedition
in Nepal recently shot a 500 pound Ounce near Lhasa.
PITNEY-BOWES EMPLOYEES ARE AMONG GNH&A LOSERS
Noted **** disclosed today that several of his constituents stand to lose as
a result of the GNH&A Society's fiasco in Nepal. Aside from **** himself,
those luckless individuals are **************. The Society hopes that the
bitterness of these unfortunates will be short lived and it most sincerely thanks
them all for their generous contributions.
Over five billion-fifty-one beer bottles are produced in America annually. Will the
Great Society ever, ever cease to amaze us?
VOOTIE CORPORATION BARES FORMATION OF THE EASTON ASTRONOMICAL AND COSMIC
ASSOCIATION LIMITED
Based upon P.T. Barnum's precept that there is an investor born daily (or something
like that), the Vootie Corp. announced today its plans to formulate a new enterprise of
stellar proportions whose twofold purpose will be to obtain "A", an asteroid, and
"B", a frozen cosmic ray, and to return them to earth by Christmas of 1967
for the profit and edification of the scientifically minded. A tremendous fund
raising effort will, of course be required and the members of the GNH&A Society
will be given first crack at this magnificent undertaking.
A BRIEF, OPEN LETTER TO THE MEMBERS OF THE GREATER NEWTOWN HISTORICAL AND
ANTHROPOLOGICAL SOCIETY
Newtown, Conn Vootie I.S. Investors
Christmas of 1968 may be doleful and dirgelike this year for those whose
contributions to the ill-fated expedition of the Greater Newtown Historical
and Anthropological Soc. were lost, regretfully in the futile attempt to return
the elusive Abominable Snowman. Success had already been grasped when an unforeseen
natural catastrophe (the first flash flood in all recorded Nepalese history)
intervened, and in an instant negated all the noble and heroic efforst
of Sir Orkney Urrd and his devoted band of explorers and Sherpas.
There may be some despair and melancholy among a few who lost a minute
portion of their worldly goods, but how truly noble and inspiring
is the flat attitude of those several subscribers who say unto themselves:
"Oh well, you win some and you lose some."
The head of the sprawling Vootie Corporation has commented: "One must
make allowances for the hazards and pitfalls of this life as
well as its bounties. I trust that those who gave so generously to the Society
will show as much grace, tact, and understanding as we do here at Vootie."
If words of nobility such as these can drop from the lips of the most
major stockholder, what is left for well adjusted, mature, and responsible lesser
hurt investors to say?
Your
Authorized
Representative
